Coming Out Again. And Again. And Again.

Last night while making dinner, my wife turns to me and says, “I’m going to have to come out to [my coworker] because she constantly refers to my husband.” TJ’s not in the closet and hasn’t been there for many, many years. Unlike me, she rarely discusses her personal life at work. She’s used to working with people who are so focused on the job they’re doing that none of them talk about their non-work lives. With her new job, that’s changed a bit.

This is another aspect of being in a gay or lesbian relationship that straight people really don’t have to deal with. I’m a very out woman. I don’t advertise but when conversations are going on about family or anything else that deals with home life, I always refer to “my wife” and never, ever, play the pronoun game. I’ve had some co-workers stop talking to me completely but, in nearly every case, the response has been positive or non-existant. I actually prefer non-existant and when it is, I’m reminded of just how far we’ve come.

Even those of us who really don’t give a shit about what others think about us and our personal relationships can be freaked out by having to repeatedly come out to people who make assumptions about our orientation. Personally, I always feel a tightness in my chest when forced to say something along the lines of “actually, I don’t have a husband, I have a wife.” Which, by the way, I said word for word to a co-worker a few years ago after being in the same position TJ finds herself in now.

It’s not that I really care if that person will still like me or talk to me or whatever, it’s the fact that I don’t want to deal with a confrontation or feel the need to defend myself or my family or the LGBTQ community, in general. I know that I can walk away or, if it’s a work situation, head off to our HR department if it gets too bad but, shit, I just hate those few moments while I wait to see what the reaction is going to be. I feel so vulnerable and out of control of the situation and it’s a terrible feeling. And it happens too often since there are always new people introduced to a work environment.

I’m lucky enough to have worked in the same place for nearly a decade and have plenty of friends who know and love my wife. I’m actually a little nervous for new people to respond negatively simply because my friends would take them to task. I love my friends.

So, send a little virtual love TJ’s way while she deals with this.

4 thoughts on “Coming Out Again. And Again. And Again.

  • March 22, 2013 at 12:49 pm

    Hi cheri
    I just want to say I just recently found cocktail hour an have been listening to your shows a lot as they make me laugh so much, you and andy are such a great team šŸ™‚

    Well I just read this blog and thought I would comment as I have just came out to my parents today and they were really great about it, I’m ready to tell the rest of my family soon as I have a pretty big one,

    but I’m not sure when I will tell my co-workers yet, I’m lucky one of them is a great friend of mine who new I was gay and persuaded me to tell my family, then said to wait until I’m ready to tell the people I work with. I hope I don’t get a bad reaction I would prefer a non-existant one to šŸ™‚ ill just wait an see how I feel as I just made a big step today.

    Hope it goes ok for TJ
    Keep up the great cocktail hour shows.

    Kindest regards
    Carrie Gooch

  • March 22, 2013 at 3:20 pm


    Congratulations on taking such a huge step today! It fills me with such joy to know that your parents didn’t let you down and are standing by you. What a wonderful feeling it is to know that our parents understand that being gay doesn’t change who we’ve always been to them but allows us to more fully include them in our lives. I’m so happy for you!

    And I thank you for your kind words about Cocktail Hour. Andy and I love recording the shows and it always makes us feel great when we hear that what we’re doing makes a difference to someone. We love to make folks smile and laugh and learn about something they may enjoy reading.

    Thank you all around and the best of luck in the rest of your coming out journey! I’ll be sure to pass on your wishes to TJ.

  • March 22, 2013 at 3:37 pm

    Yeah, what Cheri said! Congrats and welcome to the “family”, Carrie. šŸ™‚

  • March 22, 2013 at 10:55 pm

    Thank you

Comment if you want. You know, no pressure.

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