Oh Ania…

I was going to post this in a comment to my last blog entry, but decided I’d turn it into a completely new posting. My readership is becoming quite demanding, particularly published author R.L. Patterson, who has become my mentor.

I wanted to take a moment to reply to TAM’s comment to “I Apologize in Advance.” Firstly, I had to wonder how long she worked on that comment. TAM weighs each word she uses very carefully. She’s is more careful than anyone I know to not hurt anyone’s feelings. If she even remotely thinks that someone took something she said or wrote in a negative way, she’ll worry herself about it until she makes herself physically ill. Her shittiest response to someone is usually much nicer and diplomatic than my sweetest.

She is able to always find the goodness in a situation and she never wants to believe that anyone would do anything to maliciously hurt anyone else. She is a good soul.

And it’s because of her response that I have to take a step back and reiterate that I know that the people who spoke to me about the various commercials or the wording of the amendment or the dynamics of my family are good people who would never mean me, or mine, any harm. Ever. I do know this. And I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. I had a conversation this afternoon with two people who I truly like, that are both sweet, honest, good women, but I had to end it because I just couldn’t take anymore. And it wasn’t their fault. I participated in it willingly, but just got madder and madder and more frustrated by the second. And it wasn’t their fault. I just have so much raw emotion inside right now and I don’t have an outlet. I don’t know when I’ll feel safe enough to let it out, but that’s not the fault of the good people around me. It’s going to be hard for a little while and I hope those innocent folks around me can understand that it’s not them that I’m upset with or hurt by. I think some of them, like TAM and Erin and Katie, must feel like they have to walk on eggshells around me. I don’t want that. I don’t want them to feel like I hold them responsible or, I don’t know, that I have any hard feelings toward them at all. I don’t.

I just have a lot of anger, confusion, and some blind rage along with a lot of self-pity and hopelessness. It’s really not a good combination. I think I may have to get back on Prozac for awhile until this calms down. I’m too poor to be able to afford to start smoking weed again. If only my HMO would cover it. So much better for me than prescription anti-depressants.