I Apologize in Advance


I offer this disclaimer before I type anything more: I do not intend to offend anyone or hurt any feelings. I hope that my straight family, friends, and allies will understand that this is a venting exercise designed to release some of the anger, resentment, and hurt that is starting to make it’s way to the surface. I’ve been doing my best to keep everything inside. I’ve been trying to pretend that the majority of my fellow Wisconsinites don’t see me as less deserving of the legal protections that are supposed to be available to all Americans. I just don’t know how much longer I can keep it in. I’m hoping that this post will serve to release some of the steam until I feel safe and comfortable enough to deal with the rest of the emotions bubbling inside.

Like I said in a previous post, I still feel like I’m constantly trying to figure out who voted against my family. Who decided that it was their place to make it impossible for TJ and me to have any sort of legal relationship at all. Which of my co-workers decided that they have the right to take my rights away. I so desperately want to know. I don’t want to treat any of them nicely or even cordially. I want to scream in their faces. I want to tell them that my wife – yes, my WIFE – has been crying for a week solid. That she is hurting and that I’m hurting and that they’re making my son’s life more difficult. That if they truly care about the children, they would promote all loving families, not just the ones that their god deems appropriate. And most of them are such fucking hypocrites. I’m beginning to agree with Elton John, who recently said that organized religion ought to be banned.

I just cannot tell you how fucking tired I am of having my family debated. I just can’t express how horrible it feels to have to discuss the validity of my relationship with friends and co-workers. I hate having to defend or explain or justify ME. I feel like I’m going to explode. At least those horrible commercials are done. If I had to hear a critique about one more fucking commercial I just don’t know what I would do. I cannot be impartial. It is too personal – it’s my life. I want everyone to feel it as personally as I do. As TJ does. I want everyone to cry at night for what has happened to my family and others like mine.

We can’t go home after a good debate about our civil rights and forget about it. It will always affect us, at least if we live in any of the states that have passed one of these amendments. And, no matter how inconvenient or non-cost effective it may be, we can never get married to make it not have an impact on our lives. I know several straight couples that this amendment also affects, and I’m sorry for them, but it’s not the same. The passage of this amendment has set me apart. It has set all gay and lesbian people apart. We were treated like second-class citizens before, now it’s in our constitution; now it’s officially ok to deny us our protections and benefits, our familial security. We had to lay out over $7,000, that we don’t have, so that I could adopt Micah, but there’s no amount of money we can spend that will protect TJ and me.

This is such BULLSHIT! I feel like I’m living in Bizarro World. I honestly feel like I’m losing my grip. It is just so unbelievable to me that I have been denied the right to enter into a legal contact with another willing adult. I’m not talking about walking down the aisle in your local Catholic church. I’m talking about a civil document. It’s just so unreal.

I definitely don’t want to seem ungrateful to all of the straight people in my life who busted their asses or donated money to defeat the amendment, I am grateful. This post isn’t about anyone in particular – unless you voted “yes” and in that case, fuck you. But there’s just no way that any straight person can understand what this feels like. Unless they were involved in an interracial coupling that was also deemed unworthy of a legal marriage, or an illegal immigrant who is just fucked no matter what they do, or, maybe, a resident of Puerto Rico. Yeah, I’m feeling sorry for myself and I don’t give a shit. I get to, at least for a little while.

4 thoughts on “I Apologize in Advance

  • November 14, 2006 at 8:38 pm
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    Oh Cheri Cheri Cheri…You can come live here anytime you know…I was angry too and all my commie liberal co-workers were asking me how I felt about it and I can honestly say that I didn’t have an answer for them. All I know is that I’m in total love and nothing is going to break that…not even the law. Hang in there. We have an army and they are coming…

  • November 15, 2006 at 8:25 am
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    Did you ever think that AZ would reject the ban? I did not. They are almost on fire, they are so red. That is a positive outlook that things are changing. It will take some time but there is still hope.

    At this point, I am sure it feels like there is no hope. I get frustrated when I know people that are supposedly Sara and my friends, who probably voted for the ban. What gives them the right to determine who should be allowed to get married? These are the people that should be spayed and/or nuetered upon birth. That is right just like stray dogs.

    I will give you their addresses and you can go slash their tires, egg their houses, do whatever you need to get out your frustrations.

  • November 15, 2006 at 4:15 pm
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    Speaking only for myself, I have to admit I find myself asking you stupid questions sometimes. But, you know me well enough to know that it’s because I want to have a better understanding of what is happening to your family – not because I don’t support the three of you. I’ll never be able to understand completely (and I’ll never insult you by pretending to) because I’m not in your shoes. However, I will always want to improve the understanding that I am capable of.

    Unfortunately, it can be those types of stupid questions, or commercial critiques, or whatever, that force you into “explaining” yourself. It shouldn’t have to be that way. In a perfect world, we’d all have a complete understanding of one another. Until that world comes, I must continue to ask you to help me – to improve my understanding, and more importantly, to arm me with the knowledge and influence to help others understand. Though it may not come as much comfort, I bet others might be doing the same.

  • November 17, 2006 at 3:37 pm
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    Cheri, I don’t have any words of comfort and I won’t pretend to understand how horrible this is for you and TJ and micha as there is no way that I can. But please know that I did and still do shed tears for your family (and all families that are so horribly impacted by this). I’m so sorry that you’re so hurt and so angry, and although I know it sounds ‘cheesy’ and ‘corny’ I really do wish that I could take that hurt and pain away. I’m so sorry that this has happened. Please look upon me and know that I am not one of the evil doers and know that I love you and TJ and Micha very much.

Comment if you want. You know, no pressure.

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