The List


Apparently, everyone has a list of five people that, no matter what else is happening in their lives, they would sleep with. If you’re married and one of the people on your list knocks on your door, your spouse has to deal with it and just wait until someone on their list shows up. There’s a universal understanding. Everyone knows. The key is to make sure that your partner knows who’s on your list. It’s not fair to have your #7 show up and you pretend that she’s really #4. I mean, that could go on forever. You can’t just claim any cute person knocking on the door for, say, the census or a really hot Jehovah’s Witness or vacuum cleaner salesman is on your list. After awhile, unless you have a really stupid partner, she or he will catch on. Then when someone who really IS on your top five list DOES show up, you won’t be believed. Remember the story about the boy who cried wolf? Well, do you?

I wanted to make my list public knowledge, just in case I ever get tempted by a really hot Schwan’s Man.

These are in no particular order – because they change depending on my mood.

1. Jennifer Tilly. I’d do just about anything for and with her as long as she says “I’ve been thinking about you all day” in her best whispy, sexy voice from Bound. What a sex kitten!

2. Natalie Merchant. Anyone with a voice like that has to make the list. Plus I think she’s very attractive.

3. Olympia Dukakis. I don’t care what anyone says, she’s hot for someone old enough to be my grandma.

4. Joan Chen. I loved her in Wild Side with the evil Anne Heche. I just block out the memory of Anne. I also loved her in The Joy Luck Club. And in Saving Face. She’s just awesome and, I think, hot.

5. Jodhi May. While not a traditional beauty, there is definitely something about her that draws my attention. No one will probably recognize her by name but you may recognize her face. She played Florence in the BBC adaptation of Tipping the Velvet, she played the little sister in Last of the Mohicans with Daniel Day Lewis and, one of my personal favorites, the little sister in Sister My Sister. Sister My Sister is a movie, based on true events, about two sisters who work as maids for some beotch and her 20-something daughter. Well, the sisters have some really hot sex – yes, with each other – and then kill the shit out of the mom & daughter. And they tore those women up. TJ absolutely hates the movie. I think it’s great – you just have to try to forget that they’re sisters. Anyway, Jodhi makes the list for me.

Just for the record, I had a very hard time coming up with five people. I had to pull my wife in to help. “Honey, who would I sleep with if you’d let me and they actually wanted to?” So, I may have forgotten someone that should have been on this list. I think, then, I’d have to drop Olympia. Maybe.

Comment if you want. You know, no pressure.

%d bloggers like this: