A big, swirling storm of depression and anger and sadness. That’s what I’ve felt like most of the past three months or so. I kept thinking it was PMS or the holidays or some other thing that would quickly pass but it’s not seeming to work that way.
Don’t get me wrong, not every minute is spent in a dark funk. There are moments of light and laughter and fun but, overall, I’ve spent most of my time with a lump in my throat and a tight tummy or a smoldering anger that’s just waiting for someone to unleash a bit of the rage. I’ve spent lots of quiet time giving myself pep-talks but that doesn’t always work. I’ve also spent some moments getting sweet, loving hugs from my son after I apologize one more time for being hard on him when he doesn’t deserve it or being too tired to play. Damn that kid is awesome in his understanding and ability to smile at me and say “It’s ok Mom. I love you.” Being honest with him about my scattered and intense emotions is one of the best things I could have ever done for our relationship. He’s a special little guy and I hope he never loses that part of himself. And if, like his other mom and me, he suffers from depression, I hope being a witness to what we go through will help him to know that it’s ok to get help and to talk about it with others.
I’m tired of sharing now. I’m giving myself another couple of weeks and if I’m not feeling considerably better, I’ll look into another method of dealing with it. Like I told a dear friend earlier today, I’m not anywhere near a place of self-harm. There’s no need to worry about that. I mostly just feel like I’m stuck in a deep pit with slippery walls. I’m having a hard time finding any handholds. And now I’m tired of that analogy.
Here are my closing words of wisdom: Be nice to someone for no reason. Don’t be a gossipy douche. And finally, don’t incite drama in the lives of others. These bits of advice have absolutely nothing to do with anything in particular, I just felt like they were good ideas, in general.