Go Fatties!! by Erin

Damn, it feels good to be a fatty……….. 

You know that part in the movie Office Space, when the white guy is listening to the, “damn it feels good to be a gangster,” tune?  That’s how I feel today.  I’m sitting in my cubicle thinking, “Damn, it feels good to be a fattie.”  My work is sponsoring this “Biggest Loser” contest, where the team that loses the biggest percentage of weight wins a hefty amount of cash.  Now, we all know that I make shit for money so a little cash initiative is just what I need to go from a biggins to a beauty. 

The sweet thing is, I’ve never had so many people try and recruit me for a team effort before.  I had people coming out of the woodwork, practically begging me to be on their team, simply for the reason that fatties got more to lose!  I finally narrowed down the choices and decided to stick with my department co-workers, Team Quality (we work in the QM department, hence the name).  Today we go down for the big weigh-in and I look at my teammates.  My boss is tiny, not overweight at all.  My other two co-workers on the team don’t have a whole lot to lose either!  Shit, I’m going to have to carry this team!  Why didn’t all the fatties band together?!  We could have dominated!  I step on the scale with Mable, the 110 lb. nurse and I mumble under my breath that I have lost about 5 lbs. since I weighed myself two weeks ago.  I almost fell over when Mable and her co-workers burst into applause over my 5 lb. loss as if Brett Favre had just come out of retirement!  Seriously, I thought Mable was going to go down she was so excited!

So now it’s just me, my bland turkey patty lunch and so much water that I feel like I could literally fuckin’ explode, (sorry for the language, dieting makes me cranky).  And let’s not start on the exercise!  Other than sex, no exercise is enjoyable-and let’s be honest, the sex lasts about 5 minutes, (anyone who says otherwise is lying, I’m not talkin about fore-play, I mean actual thrusting).  I just went walking with Cheri for about 25 minutes but per my size I should be working out at least 45 minutes a day.  Perhaps I’ll take my fat Chesapeake Bay retriever for a walk-Max loves to walk.  All in all, being a fattie today isn’t so bad……