Go Fatties!! by Erin
Damn, it feels good to be a fatty………..Â
You know that part in the movie Office Space, when the white guy is listening to the, “damn it feels good to be a gangster,†tune? That’s how I feel today. I’m sitting in my cubicle thinking, “Damn, it feels good to be a fattie.â€Â My work is sponsoring this “Biggest Loser†contest, where the team that loses the biggest percentage of weight wins a hefty amount of cash. Now, we all know that I make shit for money so a little cash initiative is just what I need to go from a biggins to a beauty.Â
The sweet thing is, I’ve never had so many people try and recruit me for a team effort before. I had people coming out of the woodwork, practically begging me to be on their team, simply for the reason that fatties got more to lose! I finally narrowed down the choices and decided to stick with my department co-workers, Team Quality (we work in the QM department, hence the name). Today we go down for the big weigh-in and I look at my teammates. My boss is tiny, not overweight at all. My other two co-workers on the team don’t have a whole lot to lose either! Shit, I’m going to have to carry this team! Why didn’t all the fatties band together?! We could have dominated! I step on the scale with Mable, the 110 lb. nurse and I mumble under my breath that I have lost about 5 lbs. since I weighed myself two weeks ago. I almost fell over when Mable and her co-workers burst into applause over my 5 lb. loss as if Brett Favre had just come out of retirement! Seriously, I thought Mable was going to go down she was so excited!
So now it’s just me, my bland turkey patty lunch and so much water that I feel like I could literally fuckin’ explode, (sorry for the language, dieting makes me cranky). And let’s not start on the exercise! Other than sex, no exercise is enjoyable-and let’s be honest, the sex lasts about 5 minutes, (anyone who says otherwise is lying, I’m not talkin about fore-play, I mean actual thrusting). I just went walking with Cheri for about 25 minutes but per my size I should be working out at least 45 minutes a day. Perhaps I’ll take my fat Chesapeake Bay retriever for a walk-Max loves to walk. All in all, being a fattie today isn’t so bad……