When I’m feeling down, depressed, sad, overwhelmed, or irritated, I want to be left alone. I swear that if I could rent a hotel room and be completely alone and surrounded by silence or slow, saddish music, I’d check in for a couple of days. Just to work through it, you know?
Everyone has their own ways of dealing with depression but that’s what I find works best for me – time to wallow and be one with it. With very, veryÂ few exceptions, there is no one that will make me feel better. It’s just a process. It is comforting to know that my wife understands me and gives me the space that I need and will hold me and let me cry on her shoulder. She doesn’t push me to talk and, many times, there’s nothing for me to say. Sometimes I have no idea why I feel so incredibly sad, I just do and that embrace is the best thing she can do to help me. When the hug is over, I’m off to hide again, either literally in some empty room or figuratively with a book or movie. And because she suffers from clinical depression, she gets it.
I’ve become very close friends with another woman who deals with depression in much the same way. She doesn’t have the sadsÂ very often but when she does, she has no desire to be around or communicate with anyone. We’ve discovered over the past year or so, I’d guess, that we’re actually good with talking with each other when either of us is depressed or sad or generally feeling completely anti-social and overwhelmed. What a wonderful surprise it has been to find a kindred spirit! There are no obligations, no pressure, and no expectations with her. We support each other by just being exactly who we are – even when that is so incredibly inappropriate that we’d likely lose friends if they knew the things we said. We share details of our lives and feelings that, honestly, I doubt anyone else will ever know. Those emotions and thoughts that one is taught to be ashamed of or that should be hidden. But, between us, there is no judgement only understanding, support, and a safe place to vent – no matter the topic.
Well, my dear friend is struggling today and I want her to know that her love and friendship has changed me. I’m far from where I want to be but she has encouraged me to be stronger when dealing with others, to not feel bad about setting boundaries, and to cut myself some slack sometimes. I’m so glad we bonded over an incredibly shitty book. See, crappy books DO serve a purpose!